So I’ve been at this for a little over a week. I’m feeling run down (even with the rest in Gibraltar) and if one more person tries to rip me off I’m going to hit the roof. I think that’s my point actually… I’m not sure I can do this on my own.
Today I hit a small money problem that has left only 90 euros in my pocket for the next couple of days – I could take a risk and carry on into Morocco and be confident it’ll work itself out – making sure I spend as little as possible. The problem is working to a budget here is almost impossible. You can say you’re only going to spend 30 euros but by the time you’ve paid your unwanted guide, your unwanted bike cleaner and whoever else manages to make themselves payable around you your money flitters away, 5 MAD at a time.
But it’s not the money that worries me, my family at home will make sure that I’m okay with that kind of thing, what worries me is my reaction to the problem.
I’m not the kind of person who hides from trouble, I relish a challange and I never shy away, but all I wanted to do today was go home, as quickly as possible. I miss Catherine so much that I’m still tearfull after I get off the phone with here – I really thought this would pass.
I think it all boils down to my coming out here on my own. Talking to other backpackers is great, perhaps even a biker (although I’ve not met one yet).. but there’s something about talking to ones friends that keeps one going, even when it gets tough – that outlet just isn’t here.
I sat in my room this afternoon and cried, alot. I was shaking and really really afraid of the fact that I don’t even have enough money to get back across the border. In the back of my mind I know this will be fixed tomorrow, but that didn’t stop it all rather getting too much.
I’ve been reading a biography about a great explorer and traveller called Wilfred Thesiger, a great man who travelled the world and worked in Africa and Arabia for most of his life. He wrote his own book a few years ago called the life of my choice in which he explained that by having no wife, no family to look after or to care for he was able to go on trek for months on end without the slightest hint of remorse. I think that’s what I’m missing. I have a family, and I love them dearly.
Whilst I’ve been away from home many times before, often for longer periods than this, I think somehow, over the last couple of years I’ve become too much of a ‘home’ person, someone who likes to be around thier family.
So, after this trip is over, I don’t think there’ll be any excursions on my own – I still want to travel the world – much of it on a motorbike – but from now on – only with my friends and family.
How well I know that feeling. Hang in there, Matt, and don’t feel bad about feeling bad. If you want to go home, go home. And we’ll give you a hug when you do.
Mate if you want to come home do so we have Russia to get ready for and you made it to Morocco. It is very impressive to go that way after only 6 weeks planning. Spoke to Patrick yesterday and we both think you have done good. Come home mate don’t stay if you not happy.
It’s just a mind set. You can go home anytime you wish but you could regret it.
Motorcycling can be a solitary experience, often diluted by the traffic around you, but it’s about yourself and nature, with the motorcycle your key to this secluded freedom. Spending some time alone in a beautiful place creates for me joy. Not ebullient joy, but that quiet joy called inner calm. There is a difference between solitude and loneliness. Loneliness is painful. Solitude is replenishing. This is what I feel when I ride my motorcycle. I know I have someone to return to eventually. This private time, this walk in the woods, is as addictive as the company of any good friends.
Best wishes for your journey.
Hey Fella….
Ive just brought myself up to date on your shenanighans and a great read it is too !!
Sitting here in Signal Control thinking “you lucky git”….It all sounds a great adventure and I wish you all the success.
Take care Matt and Ride Safe !!
Barro
Hey guys! Thanks very much for the warm comments – I’ve only just got back online since deciding to come home.
It was definately the right decision – I’ve spent 14 days on the road and that’s enough time for one to find their soul!
Thanks again 🙂
m